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07 August 2015 @ 11:45 am

Being broke is the worst. It's like not having a car. Money and cars are invested with so much cultural power that they become synonyms for power, their absence synonymous with helplessness. I have a car, but it doesn't run without money.

If I were only dealing with the logistics of having no money and not the metaphorical implications, I would be much better off. Helplessness, powerlessness, dependence, isolation, failure, immaturity and regret are all much tougher to deal with than no money.

But no money is the path that I have chosen. It's the path I chose when I quit my job and went back to school. It is, in all likelihood, the path I am forever stuck with.

I have got to figure out how to have $1.50 and no gasoline and a week until payday and still get out of bed. That's my goal. Find the day worthwhile, somehow, and a way to participate in it.

Before noon, maybe.

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25 November 2013 @ 12:04 pm
I have fallen out of the habit of writing here, but the habit of writing here is a nice one. And when prompted by curiousity, I went searching last night for the date of an event that I knew, for sure, would be here somewhere. And that reminded me that there is something to be said for detailing things in one place, especially considering how rarely I can keep a notebook. So, in no particular order, things that might be relevant to remember in the future:

1) I am still working two jobs. I was promoted at both of them this year, and there are times during which, when I am not doing really stupid things, I have enough money to pay my bills. WEIRD. Like, seriously weird. I feel guilt and a lot of dissonance over the whole thing.

2) Somewhat related to #1, within the next six months both my 401-k loan and my wage garnishment will be paid off, leaving me even more money.

3) Somewhat related to #1 and #2, in February I will be moving into a rent-free living situation, so even more money.

OMG the travels. There will be travels.

4) The hip loft scenario didn't really work out so well for me. I tried it. I failed it. Whatever. The landlord is a drunk and there are bug problems. Nice house in the suburbs with a garage? I suppose it's time.

5) School. I need to be in school. I need to pay school so I can be in school. See prev. mention of doing stupid things with money. I need to finish my degree ASAP, because I've decided to finish the B.A. before I worry about BABY.

6) Children. On the brain. So much of the time. Grrr.

7) Law school. I want to go to law school. This means I will probably be going to law school while pregnant/ while having small children. I AM AN IDIOT. We knew this. Moving on.

8) Add single parenting to that list in #7? Mostly because, for real, there is a lot that I like in my life right now. A LOT. And the idea of finding someone who is worth my coparenting consideration who is going to fit into what I already have established? Laughable. I am probably too stubborn to have help anyway.

9) My brain is still a very scary place.

10) I just wrote a bunch of poetry and have less than a week left to submit it for this contest. I need to submit it. I am freaking out.

More later. All for now.
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21 January 2013 @ 12:49 pm
The calm is slipping away and I can't get it back. The urge for change is desperate, sudden, and impersonal, like a trapped animal lashing out at anything in its way, without regard for harming itself or others.

This literally has nothing to do with you, any of you. I am physically itchy, desperately stuck, and nothing is moving. Nothing is changing.

I can't do this. I say it a hundred times a day. Sometimes I feel that it's all I ever say in this space. I can't do it. And it's more a statement of fact than anything... I can see the moment coming when everything fucking stops because I, you know, can't.

I can't.

And no one believes me. No one can see how desperately fucked the whole thing is and how terrible it's really been and how there isn't any way out, everything is just a static disaster.

And my freaking out is part of it. It's part of the status quo. There are shoes in the living room and dishes in the sink and Audrey's having a panic attack, all of this is normal. None of these things will ever change.
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27 December 2012 @ 04:49 pm
I am surrounded by scraps of my own useless handwriting and documents I've printed in triplicate because I can't remember where I've put them.

Every door is "DO NOT ENTER" and locked from the other side.

I have never (a lie, I have) felt so utterly trapped by my life. This is in part because I've lived in the same house far too long and have few realistic methods of escaping it. It is in part because I've been working the same job far too long and can't think of one feasible exit strategy. It is in part because I am, have always been (well, except when I am in a good mood) aware of how sheer, finite, and vulnerable all of our illusions are. Security. Safety. Warmth. Support. Every one of them is easily broken, easily destroyed.

So if I were to craft a bomb, and blow an exit tall and wide out the side of this claustrophobic little hole I'm currently inhabiting, I know without any doubts that I would simply be left alone in a pile of smoldering rubble, the objects and obligations and obsessions that currently bind me warped and melted but no less real, simply haunting and taunting from their respective piles.

I would clean it up, as best as anyone could, and go back about my life with ghosts of habits and fragments of fears and sad distored halves of relationships, and the smell of damage would never dissipate.
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11 December 2012 @ 04:26 pm
I can't do this.
Current Mood: grumpygrumpy
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06 December 2012 @ 12:44 pm
I am tired of articles detailing all the warning signs for stress, like we don't know. (Oh, you mean that waking up six times in one night gnawing on my own extremities is a bad thing?!)

Here are my top ten signs that you might be stressed:

1) Idle curiousity about the pros and cons of poisoning a bunch of food about to be consumed by yourself and your housemates.

2) Clinging desperately to the idea that your cats would actually miss you if you died, and they don't deserve that, because they are so sweet.

3) A self-imposed limit of 15 minutes per day of fantasizing about an inpatient stay in the hospital.

4) Consistently terrible nightmares not terrible enough to make you want to get out of bed.

5) Half-assedly wishing you'd get hit by a car, because a slew of broken bones might grant some perspective.

6) Seriously debating breaking off all human contact that isn't mandatory (like, job-related) in an effort to quarantine the internal nastiness you're currently spewing into the world.

7) Passionate longing for somewhere to go where no one would ever find you. Wondering what would actually happen if you just laid down by the side of the road and closed your eyes and refused to respond to any sort of inquiry.

8) Frequent daydreams about intense violence.

9) Daily breaks for crying fits.

10) Complete inability to lie, tell everyone everything is fine, and just fucking handle it, because that's what you're supposed to do, that's what you've always done, that's what you're here for, and that's all anyone has ever expected of you. Just fucking handle it.
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28 November 2012 @ 02:37 pm
because it's really time you stopped pretending any of these problems came from anywhere else but inside your head

because you still try to talk to them like you expect them to understand, which is evidence of a deep stupidity

because the idea that you're helping, or ever have, is a convenient fiction that's only useful when you're trying to feel self-righteous

because it's only a matter of time

because they can do it, every single one of them, and you're the only one stuck on the outside

because they'd be better off without you interfering

because you've never been headed anywhere

because they have their own issues to deal with, and you've only ever made them worse.
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02 November 2012 @ 01:52 pm
samhain. quit smoking, and eating shit food, and whatever else.

supposed to be all new and improved and shit but... I am not.

I am totally stressed. and can't smoke or eat. have already had my maximum allowance of outbursts for the week.

am I actually supposed to sit here and bite my lip and sip water and just pretend that everything is OK?

doesn't actually sounds very new or improved.
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17 August 2012 @ 08:53 pm
yeah, it really was a terrible idea.

here's hoping that I'm asleep before I crash?
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17 August 2012 @ 01:54 pm
For the record, that was a terrible fucking idea.

I know that.

So you won't take it too amiss, perhaps, if I tell you that OMG HELL YES. And this is EXACTLY what I needed.


It's been way too fucking long.